Is it time to give up defining ourselves?

This blog has been sitting in draft for a few weeks but lately, I’ve been talking quite a bit to people about self – you know my brand, defining myself, my self esteem and so on.

My Dad (I am sure my biggest and possibly only blogging fan and did I just say my!) sent me some scans of a book by Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth) with a segment about ego:

“You are most powerful, most effective when you are completely yourself. But don’t try to be yourself. That’s another role…’How can I be myself?’ is in fact the wrong question. It implies you have to do something to be yourself…..[so] give up defining yourself – to yourself or others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem.”

As my Dad could, I see the relationship with our authenticity. Is it time to give up defining ourselves (for ourselves and others?).

Are we not what we are?  Or in practical speak, what we are will come through.  Which leads me to my next thought for the next blog – are you faking it?  See you soon.


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A life lived – be happy

Mum texted me on Sunday a week ago to say that Aunty Laurel had died at 4 o’clock. Her passing had been expected but not quite that soon. As we know cancer is unpredictable but in any case once we’ve done about 650,000 hours for many of us, that’s it, and that’s almost exactly what she did do.

Laurel was a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and friend to many. It’s a strange thing that when you go to a funeral it’s often the only time that all the person’s family and friends from all their life come together. One of my running mentors Gordon Jackson turned out to be an old friend. I had no idea.

Knowing she was dying, Laurel requested her funeral be non-religious and simple. Family and friends spoke of a woman who always got stuck in, who was creative with cake making and teddy bears (sensational ones!) and was always there for her family. I remember Laurel mainly from family holidays to Stanmore Bay where generous barbeques seemed never to run short of food for us and all our cousins.

The sadness of losing a mother is not something I have experienced. But it is plain to see. What I also saw was a collection and distilling of happy memories and focus on what Laurel had given to her family. It can’t compensate, but it surely is a wonderful thing to reflect on.

Actually, that Laurel knew she was dying isn’t that unique. We all know we’re dying. We don’t know when but we can take a pretty good estimate of when the molecules will have had enough. I’ve been challenging myself recently “Am I happy?” I’ve done over 410,000 of my hours so I hope so! And I am.

Are you doing right now what you want to do? Or is the happiness at some “when I’ve done this” point in the future? What is that point? What is the point in waiting for that point?

Make it happen. Whatever works will do I say. Laurel didn’t wait to make her teddy bears. She made scores of them, bringing joy and happiness to many people, but most importantly, to herself. Be happy. Now.


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Be selfish and give!

“What makes you happy?” I asked a business leader today. 

I love asking this question.  In my experience there is nothing more rewarding and likely to lead to happiness than growing others.  

Open for giving?

 

The thing about growing others that you give what you have, so you don’t have to learn much (other than how to give), there’s always back up when you need it, and those you grow, well they grow and become happier.  And so will you. 

No-one openly disagrees with this scenario in my experience, but putting it into practice is not always that simple. Some functional managers  jealously guard what they have learned, protecting their patch for the next promotion. Sometimes it’s even rewarded, reinforcing the behaviour. 

Therein lies the dilemma.  If I share I lose my personal competitive advantage. On function you might, and if that’s you then leadership might not be your gig (yet).  

So what did my business leader say in response?  “It sounds selfish you know, but I get so much happiness from giving to grow others”. 

So be selfish, look after your own happiness and give.  I don’t think anyone will criticise you for that sort of selfishness!

Excuse me Sir, what do you think about loyalty?

When Prince William visited New Zealand this week he made it known that he didn’t want to be referred to as Your Royal Highness.  Just Sir was okay. One of the duties he performed was to open the new Supreme Court building, the building that houses our final court of appeal, replacing the Privy Council sitting in London.  Another tie with England as the “mother country” slips away.  He might one day be our head of state but, like his father and grandmother – our current head of state – he shows no more inclination to meddle in our affairs than the head of any other state.

I had a chat with a friend the other day about loyalty. Loyalty was being demanded in a low trust situation. Since then I seem to see the word everywhere – I even get American Express Card Miles for being loyal. Thank you for your loyalty it states on the bottom of an invoice received today. What I realised from the chat to my friend is that loyalty and leadership have a (sometimes) uneasy relationship.

When we’re in a great team with high trust and high commitment it’s a pretty good bet that we’ll be loyal. But what about the boss who demands loyalty from his or her people.  You know: “Anyone who wants to  be in my team better be loyal”. Why would you say such a thing?  Or why would you need to say such a thing? Well you might if you were at war, or you were scared of something that those in your team might do.  At war? Scared? Yes, if you were actually at war. But otherwise I reckon you’ve lost it – you’ve got the right people on the bus, the bus is going in the right direction, you have a strategy, a team charter, as the leader you’ve let go. Or so you think. Actually if you’re worried about loyalty and demanding it or any compromises that goes with such a demand, you might as well leave the bus and jump on the one-seater motorbike.

We saw the sort of adoration of Prince William that we haven’t seen for a royal in years. It might be he’s handsome (hey I’ve got more hair!), but it might also be that his family aren’t demanding any sort of loyalty. Rather they think we will do the right thing. There’s a good chance we’ll be loyal to England for many reasons – historical, our familial links, our membership of the Commonwealth and our mutual acceptance of secular values of honesty, transparency, freedom and democracy.

Nothing was demanded but plenty was given. It was a pleasure to have you visit Sir.


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