Category: Personal Development

Fire my spirit

So goes the last line of the simple song 75 men and young men at the Essentially Men Pathways to Manhood gathering sang together as we waited to be met by mothers and family yesterday. Sitting here right now there is so much to reflect on that has truly fired the spirit of my son Tim and me too.

This was a gritty, hard, challenging week with men. Great men who shared, endorsed, inspired and challenged us all. Never have I felt so proud and so sad all at once. It took a few days but when Tim found his voice, man, did we hear it. A school life of bullying and being picked on because he wears glasses, because he doesn’t see as well as others, because of this, that and it didn’t matter what. Any bloody excuse will do. Bullying turned to a stone-like resistance built out of fear of failure. Adults then embark ed on their own special form of bullying – bludgeoning into submission,  challenging in his face: What is it Tim? Is it about you only? What is your problem?.

In your 17 years Tim you have faced challenges that few can understand, but I tell you Tim, and you know this, 75 men who love and admire you know.  And they were there for you and are there now for you. When they said sorry on behalf of all the boys and men who have bullied you, they meant it. You stand tall now.  You have greater strength than all of those bullies put together. The boy is gone. You are a young man.  You want more one-on-one with me.  You will have it. You fire my spirit more than you can imagine. I love you.

And let’s reflect on what the men said about you: Strong, a great conservationist who extends the topic, funny, you want to please, courageous, cool to hang out with, a sensational smile, resilient, independent and they said you should cherish your ability to think outside the norm. I could go on and on how they affirmed you.

They want you back next year to help out. And let’s not forget the Golden Pisspot award you won for the the Young Pathways Man (you better explain to the women where pisspot comes from!).

This journey gave me a deep reflective space to get my own life in balance. Thanks to all the men at the gathering. You are special and formed to deliver one of life’s crucibles for me.

All the elements are with you Tim. Stand tall and proud. The men all stand with you. Thank you for taking me.

Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath, fire my spirit.

Stephen

Lighting a torch

Tim and I went shopping this weekend in preparation for our 6 days camping on the Essentially Men father/son retreat. We bought polyprop tops, camping lights, a new pocket knife (as instructed) for Tim and torches.

My good friend Nigel phoned from Christchurch this afternoon to suggest that one of the most valuable pieces of equipment we could bring was a head lamp: “when it’s dark on camp it’s dark, so you can do whatever you want with a torch strapped to your head”.

This retreat has been a long-time coming and Tim has been very brave in agreeing to go into the unknown with me and a group of other guys.

I’m excited and apprehensive. My hope this week is that Tim sees the way forward from boy to young man. It’ll be big for me too I’m sure.

We’ve got those head lamps ready.

See you in a week.

Stephen

Offside with Hillary

“You won’t be needing that much” were the words that began my adventures on the Hillary Trail several weeks ago. What followed was a dumping of half of the contents of my newly acquired camel pack on the advice of a trusted running colleague, Froste. I had to trust Froste, he had claimed after all to be at school in the same year as my father. If he didn’t know what he was talking about, who would?

The Hillary Trail is a spectacular 74km “tramp” stretching from the Arataki Visitors Centre near Titirangi through the Waitakere Ranges and follows the coastline from Whatipu near the Manukau Heads north to Muriwai. The first attempt at the trail started with a group of about seven – three determined to run the entire length in one day, me with a “50ks or five hours – whatever comes first – hoping to get to Piha” and a group who were doing 11 out and then back.

The trail has incredible views and it is not easy! It is steep – so much so that language not used in polite society was heard on occasion. The trail takes in the peak of every mountain between Arataki and Piha. There is gorse and more gorse north of Bethells. At times the gorse gives way to Thistle. Lovely relief. Michael Simons knows that if you scratch your legs after gorse all hell breaks loose.

And the fluids? Well I ran out at about 15km. Amazing how all the usual hygiene rules go out the window when you’re dehydrated and you’ll happily slurp on anyone’s camel pack.

Arriving at Whatipu (22km) in 6 hours it was pretty clear that all ambitions for the day were seriously in doubt. I vaguely recall assaulting Michael in my dehydrated delirium. Sorry Michael.

I seriously considered pulling out – having met my pre-conditions for the day but after drinking about 3 litres of water and filling my camel pack, I decided to do another 10k to make it to Karekare.

Karekare took another two hours and I called it a day. The remaining pack continued on for another two hours to Piha.

The following weekend we ran the Piha to Muriwai leg (32km) in a total time of six hours. Again, we ran out of water – there is a horrendous climb out of the forest supposedly near Muriwai, but fortunately Froste and Michael found a friendly resident who offered her scarce, so I found out later, tank water. With Froste and Michael having replenished (or so I thought) their camel packs I proceeded to rinse my cap thoroughly and fill my pack. Little did I know that with the tank water at low levels they had taken a quick slurp, which explained why they waited 700 metres up the road to share on mine. Bad luck boys, I’d drunk the whole lot by then!

Michael declared it was 2km to Muriwai but the GPS proved otherwise – 7 in fact – and on arrival we were met by Julie M and Mrs Froste with drinks, muffins and good cheer.

For reasons that escaped me at the time, I agreed to go and do the last 32km again today, with an anticipated 6.00am start – “be at Froste’s at 5.30am sharp” was the command (news has got out that I’m not always on time). Sunrise is much later guys! Get with the programme – but we got started by 6.40am.

Rolled my right ankle twice and my left five times going off the trail today – fell over 3 times (though others say it was at least 5).

Would I do it again? You bet. The views are stunning – rainforest, black sand-dunes, waterfalls, surf, bulls, sheep, other runners looking even worse, trampers, babbling creeks, rivers to run in (with roads parallel that “you can’t use – that’s not on the map”). It’s a lot of fun. Plus there’s the 10ks I haven’t yet covered in the middle.

And it builds resilience – reslience that stays with us beyond running, whether that be in managing a family, running a business, leading others or caring for someone.

Thanks to Michael Simons, Mike Frost, Julie McMillin, Mike Dickie, Danny Baker, Michelle Garrett, Carol Bielby, Simon Clendon, Penny Kirkwood and Liz Frost for being part of my journeys on the Hillary Trail. I have a feeling I haven’t got everyone’s name here so forgive me – you have your own stories too so feel free to share.

Kodak moment? Running next to Froste on a wide stretch of track. Suddenly without warning he appears to be sliding in for a try next to me. Picks himself up. No ball. Offside Froste it’s clearly a penalty. Don’t bother bringing out the drink bottles mate – you won’t be needing that.

Stephen

How do you value your values?

I wrote previously about values, talking about keeping the curtains open so the burglar couldn’t operate without being seen from the street. A new awareness has grown in me recently about values, especially those that have scant regard for them. Sometimes when we run courses we have the groups define the values that they will live by for the duration of the course. This is a useful check on behaviours and like everything we do on-course, something the participants can take back to home and work.

But what about our own values? Do we write a list of them and make sure we’re living by them? I doubt it and here’s why. They’re deep inside. The true values are us. Like not defining ourselves, we don’t need to record, define or articulate them to ourselves. But like the burglar who sneaks into the curtained back street office  to steal valuables, we need to make sure the curtains are open on our values. By stealth and manipulation, others less attracted to a value-centred life will rip them out if it suits them when you are vulnerable.

So why am I on about this now? In the last month several people we know have been in vulnerable positions financially. This is not uncommon now with the economy in a fragile state and business tight in many sectors. They have, each of them, been separately manipulated into positions through rumour and misinformation where they have had to make business decisions in order to survive. These are decisions that they do not wish to make, they are decisions that go against their own values, but they’ve done it to survive.

I can understand people in dire circumstances of famine commiting offences to feed their family. We see that often in Tsunamis, hurricanes and the like. All is lost and survival hangs by a thread. I do not know the personal circumstances of the people sufficiently to judge whether or not that might be their situation. And I won’t judge. But what I see is sad.

When you allow your values to be stolen for money you better hope that you can afford to buy some more from somewhere else.  I don’t reckon the thief will give you any back. Trouble is though, money can’t buy values. Strange isn’t it – you can sell them, but can’t buy them.

How do you value your values?


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