Month: February 2011

Say it now

We went to a friend’s mum’s funeral this week. We shared some of the pain of the illness over the last year and learned how close mother and daughter were. At the funeral our friend spoke of the special relationship between her and her mother: how there was never a harsh word, they were best friends and Mum was always there for her, whenever.

I know people who, after their parents have died, talk of the things that they wanted to say.

Funerals make me reflective. No good waiting for the important conversations I was thinking. In fact I don’t mind saying I haven’t waited, but I count myself fortunate to have the tools and parents who engage. Doesn’t mean we agree on everything but we understand and respect. And feel we can talk about whatever we need to talk about.

And our friend clearly had the relationship with her mother that allowed that to occur.

No use waiting until you’re at the funeral home, either in the box or in the pews. Say it now. It’s never too late and you’ll probably have lots of good things to say.

Stephen

Coaching the boss

Lots of my time with leaders is spent not on leading others who report to them, but rather dealing with the board or the group CEO or similar.

Ambiguity of expectations, lack of clarity on results, conversations that leave the leader wondering at best, confused at worst.

Yes we need to get clarity and ensure that the board or our boss make their expectations clear, as best can be for senior people.

But it’s also an opportunity to coach the boss. Working closely with someone gives you a unique opportunity to observe. Knowing when and how to give the feedback and not to, is vital of course for everyone, but especially so for your boss.

So here’s the first of my daily tips – this one adapted from Amy Gallo “How to give your boss feedback”:

  • Wait or ask permission: ask if they’re open to feedback, rather than launching.
  • Focus on helping him or her: Not what you would do, but what would be best to grow your boss.
  • If you’re not sure, don’t say it: No point in damaging the relationship if the feedback is not going to be well received. Use other methods, such as a 360 feedback process.

Stephen

Fight

I’ve just seen the movie “The Fighter”. It’s a true story about two brother boxers, one of whom once fought Sugar Ray Leonard and has been a crack addict ever since. I found the family intensely irritating – seven awful sisters lead by an equally unappealing mother. One thing the director sure got right was that no-one seemed to listen. Just talking out a whole pile of rubbish when the younger brother, played by Mark Wahlberg, tried to speak. He reminded me of many, often young people, who aren’t heard and give up trying to be, as those with supposedly superior wisdom and insights are the only ones heard.

What if – the mother in this case – was really full of garbage? Using her power and position to extrovert above all others, pushing everything her way, without regard to what could or couldn’t work.

Without even trying to understand.

Being understood is worth fighting for. But it’s not something you can always fight for. It can be incredibly tiring. If you’re in a team, or a family, or even a group of friends (great practice place) notice: do others hear you? do you hear others? do you take the time to enquire? or is your stuff always more important? why do you need to get your stuff out all the time?

Leadership is about hearing others, ensuring all the team is heard and they hear each other. Like properly. Not pretending to do it while you have your bit poised on the end of your tongue.

If you’re present, mindful and pro-active, you’ll know what I mean. Pro-active: my new world. I meant to write word and it came out as world and I realised it was perfect.

A pro-active world of mindful and present people. I’ll fight for that.

Stephen